October 17, 2024 — Four years ago to the day, local diversity advocates assembled an advisory board to the Town Council, the Bristol League of Inclusive and Multicultural Progressives (BLIMP). Ranking league members gave an anniversary interview to the Phoenix, discussing the group’s mission, exploits, and future.

“Diversity is our strength,” said BLIMP’s newly-appointed chairman, Quentin Quack. “That’s a fact so obvious, so indisputable, it takes an unelected body — unaccountable to the general public — to force it upon them as a moral imperative.”

Among their successes, BLIMP spearheaded the inception of the Bristol Police Feline Unit, which put our town at the national vanguard of justice reform. “There’s no reason to assert that cats are any less able than dogs to support our persons in blue,” said Chm. Quack. “The Chief of Police tells me that the first trainees will be sworn in as soon as he can find them again.”

BLIMP has also worked alongside Rogers Free Library’s Board of Trustees, expediting the acquisition of countless new titles by women, people of color, sexual minorities, and combinations thereof. Moreover, BLIMP has itemized a list of ejections to make — particularly in American and European history — to free up shelf space.

“The purpose of a public library is to make everyone feel welcome,” said Sheila Shrill, leader of the BLIMP Ear-Bending Brigade (the league’s outreach to organizations throughout Bristol). While some readers have complained about the promotion of ethnic unknowns over traditional American authors, Ms. Shrill explained: “The less readily you can pronounce someone’s name, the more you stand to gain from what they have to say.”

BLIMP suffered its first major setback last summer when the Fourth of July Committee rejected their proposal for a float in honor of the Chinese Communist Party. “All countries deserve a space in our display of national pride,” said Chm. Quack. “I can’t think of a celebration of our government, economy, or entertainment industry which does not include China.”

Looking forward, BLIMP hopes to sponsor more diverse candidates for town positions. “To determine someone’s diversity, we apply The Golden Rule,” said BLIMP Recruitment Officer Tippi Token. “Male and white? That ain’t right.”

Ms. Token laments Bristol’s current demographic homogeneity, but remains hopeful. “We’re working with Housing and Urban Development to resettle families from South Providence here in Bristol, which will improve our neighborhoods and make our downtown safer.”

With a Pence-Cotton ticket on the 2024 ballot (widely considered President Trump’s third term), support for diversity remains as important a concern as ever this election year. Members of BLIMP hope that, this November, voters will approve the referendum to nix “Providence Plantations” from the state’s name. “But if not,” said Chm. Quack, “we — and people like us — will keep proposing such referenda until voters finally get it right.”

BLIMP will celebrate its fourth year of diversity, inclusivity and equity next week at a private function.

Zachary Cooper
Bristol