Letter: Everyone, welcome to The American Inquisition

Posted 7/31/20

In other news: Police, Fire and Rescue responded to heavy smoke emanating from the Torquemada Society Hall on Hope Street. The Fire Chief indicates no injuries to members in session, and preliminary …

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Letter: Everyone, welcome to The American Inquisition

Posted

In other news: Police, Fire and Rescue responded to heavy smoke emanating from the Torquemada Society Hall on Hope Street. The Fire Chief indicates no injuries to members in session, and preliminary findings are that their Auto-Da-Fe unit and the Progressive Atomic Clock (the Orwell Edition) may have malfunctioned.

Security video shows members seated at a table, including three elected officials from Progressive Hill. Video shows at the top of the hour the clock entered its Two Minute Hate function, at which time members began yelling Zachary Cooper’s name and his crime against the group, heresy.

When the two minutes of yelling had passed, the clock commanded the members to practice their mantra in unison saying: “No thought than our thought. No speech than our speech.” While chanting, the group assembled an effigy in the likeness of Mr. Cooper and placed it into the Auto-De-Fa.

Elected officials from Progressive Hill were given the honor of setting the purification flame level and pressing the purification start button. A fair-skinned blond female is seen setting the purification level to maximum, then two left hands are seen eagerly depressing the purification button.

The video gets garbled after that. For all their exertions, no light or heat was produced, only an acrid smoke driving them all from the hall. The Fire Chief says the purity unit and clock are damaged beyond repair, but the effigy made in the likeness of Zachary Cooper was still in great shape and could be used next time.

Elsewhere in town: A mother and her young son were walking on the sidewalk in front of the once venerable Bristol Phoenix. As they approached Thames Street, the boy noticed what he thought were six pink BB’s, or ball bearings. He scooped one up, then could not remove it from his thumb.

His mother quickly assessed context and proximity and realized these were not BB’s and in fact they were tiny testes. This quick-thinking mom told her son to flick his thumb toward Thames Street.

As the boy did, she yelled, “How could you print that letter!” at his hand, causing the testis to lose its grip and fly through the air, landing dead center in the O on the STOP sign on the corner.

The Chief of Police responded to questions on the matter stating that the URI Crime Lab had put the “evidence” under a scanning microscope, where they had discovered a word or phrase on each specimen. “Print it,” “Don’t print it,” “Retract,” “Cower,” and “Profit” were clearly discernible.

The Chief presumes the one on the STOP sign has a message also, but the HDC will not permit any tampering with this now newly decorated historic sign.

The HDC said they consider the sign as great a symbol of victory over the free press and free speech as they are themselves over private property rights. They commended local Torquemadans and the elected officials from Progressive Hill for trampling speech they disagree with.

George P. Cooper
Bristol

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Scott Pickering has been on the East Bay Newspapers team for more than two decades, since starting as a reporter for the Sakonnet Times. He's been editor of most of the papers, was Managing Editor of all the papers for many years, and became General Manager in 2012. Today he can be found posting to EastBayRI.com, steering news coverage, writing editorials, talking to readers, working with the sales team, collaborating on design, or helping do whatever it takes to get the papers out the door. Reach him at spickering@eastbaynewspapers.com.