Recently, a lawsuit out of Cornell University has forced a hard conversation back into the open. A former student alleges that in October 2024, seven fraternity members drugged and sexually assaulted her, and that they used a group chat to invite others to join in. No one has been criminally charged yet, but the district attorney now intends to present the case to a grand jury. As courts sort out the details, these allegations raise a question that is asked of all of us, including here in Barrington.

The Torah sets an expectation: Lo ta'amod al dam re'echa. “Do not stand idly by the blood of your neighbor” (Leviticus, 19:16). The rabbis of the Talmud read it as a duty to act when someone is in danger. Do not observe. Do not disapprove quietly. Step in.

Consider what the alleged group chat is. It is more than an act. It is a large audience who allegedly were invited to participate in a brutal act and had a chance to say “no.” If the reporting is accurate, the horror is not only about the men accused of drugging and raping a young woman. It is about the many others who allegedly were positioned to stop what the lawsuit describes as hours of continued rape but chose to look away. Do not stand idly by is, at its core, an expectation of bystanders.

No one enters a fraternity house at nineteen as a blank slate. Not long before, these young men — the seven alleged rapists and many others alleged to have allowed it to continue — were twelve, fourteen, sixteen years old. Somewhere during teen-hood, they learned what a man is supposed to be and what to do when a friend crosses a line. Or, what not to do. Too often the lesson is to laugh, or to join in. Or, just as bad: to say nothing, because the cost of doing what is

right feels too high compared to the cheap and easy choice of staying silent.

This larger issue is why I developed last spring’s program Healthy Masculinity, Healthy Community, and why I continue to run it now. It is a program for teen boys built on the belief that by unpacking gender expectations, boys can be nurtured into healthy, egalitarian men. It recognizes that this is a job for the whole community.

One exercise I include in the program is the “man box.” I build on a concept developed by Tony Porter, co-founder of A CALL TO MEN. We ask the teens to name the rules they hear about being “manly.” Once they get going, the answers come quickly. Be tough. Don’t show emotion. Never back down. Always be in charge. Don’t ask for help. Don’t be soft. Don’t act like a girl. Then we talk about what it feels like to live by those rules. To be trapped inside the box created by them. I ask, “who made the rules?” And “Who draws the lines around them? Why are those lines so bold?”

This exercise demonstrates that boys’ feelings and traits are not the problem. Anger, competitiveness, ambition, the desire to be strong and respected are ordinary human qualities. The problem is a culture that tells boys they must express them in only one narrow way to be deserving of the label “man.” Our culture punishes them for stepping out of the box. One participant said it better than I could: “My dad is like almost everything we said about the man box, but he’s a good dad and a good husband.”

I explain: the traits are not the problem, and the man is not the problem. The box is. And the boy who wants to object in a group chat knows exactly what stepping outside this box will cost. Silence isn’t a lack of conscience, it is the box working as designed. The encouraging part is that a box that is taught by our culture can be untaught by our culture.

We can offer boys better rules.

Jewish tradition offers one. In Pirkei Avot, Hillel teaches: B’makom she-ein anashim, hishtadel lihyot ish. “In a place where there are no [worthy] men, strive to be a [worthy] man.” The word for man used here is ish, which connotes a good or virtuous person. Think of the Yiddish word mensch. Hillel is describing the moment when the room goes quiet, and everyone is waiting for someone else to act… You must strive to be the one who does. That is a better definition of manhood than the box society traps men inside. It is the strength to act even when acting costs you something.

So here is my ask, especially of parents reading this: start this conversation at home. It doesn’t have to be a big talk. In fact, small and repeated chats are better. Ask your son what his group chats are like. Ask what he would do if a friend posted something cruel or degrading. Ask what he thinks “be a man” means. Listen before correcting. Tell him plainly that stepping in is strength, not weakness. Explain consent. Make sure he knows that friends who are worth having will respect his good instincts. Boys who hear this from their parents at fifteen become nineteen-year-olds who are more likely to act like good men when it matters.

We can’t reach into fraternity houses, dorm rooms, or group chats. We can shape the young people who walk into them, though. That work starts right at home, at school, at our congregations and and at clubs.

Lo ta’amod. Do not stand idly by. Where no one is stepping up, strive to be the one who does.

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Stay tuned: the next Healthy Masculinity, Healthy Community program is coming soon, in partnership with the Barrington Prevention Coalition. It is free and we are keen to partner with other groups, clubs and organizations. Please get in touch with me if you’d like to learn more.