To the editor:

I didn’t expect any nays from the Bristol Town Council over the Port Marker. After all, an Independent or a Republican aping the nearest observable progressive is what “moderate” means.

However, the Columbus Quincentennial Memorial is inconsonant with its coming neighbor at Independence Park; and if Providence’s Columbus Square is any presage, eventually the usual noisemakers will have our statue removed too, extracted like a tooth from a liberal hypochondriac who’s ashamed of his pearly whites.

The next Town Council won’t cheer on such social justice follies from the middle of the road though, because BLM will still be marching in it.

Downtown we have struggling small businesses that can’t rely on 501(c)(3) status, like the Bristol Historical and Preservation Society, to squat in their overtaxed properties or pay pittances for them, PILOT-style. The Town Council having demonstrated their enthusiasm to green-light an idea without knowing how it will take shape, I propose to them right here and now a reverse property tax. Or should I borrow UNESCO’s letterhead first, the better to sell them on the present needs of their own constituents instead of the one-worlder vainglories of interchangeable wokescolds?

Speaking of, the Middle Passage committee still needs a design for their touchstone, their big draw for the critical race theory summer tourism crowd, and I’ve got just the thing.

May I suggest a simple plaque, installed into the seat of an existing park bench? Always navel-gazing, the wokerati are guaranteed to find it when they sit down; in the same position, the rest of us can turn the other cheek—and give it a fitting reply.

Zachary Cooper
48A Sherman Ave.