BARRINGTON – Matthew Starring wants to go out with a bang.

The 23-year-old has been fighting acute lymphoblastic leukemia for more than two and a half years. A second relapse last March led to an onslaught of treatments, including four rounds of chemotherapy, the removal of his remaining testicle and numerous spinal taps and biopsies. He has spent 10 weeks and two days of the past seven months admitted to Brigham & Women’s Hospital in Boston, and during the weeks that he was not admitted, he was still reporting to clinic for blood work and testing.

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Despite his Herculean efforts, the treatments were ineffective, and on Thursday, Oct. 22, Matthew, his family and his medical team at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute came to a mutual decision that enough was enough.

The Starrings knew what they had to do: Throw a party.

The Starring home on Sowams Road is a former vacation cottage, cozy and quaint. The common areas on the first floor measure to about 800 square feet total. Some evenings over the past week, the living room and kitchen have been filled shoulder to shoulder with people, sometimes up to 25 at a time. There are grandparents, uncles, high school friends and acquaintances. Their front yard often looks like a parking lot, rows of cars lined up down their long driveway and spreading out on to their lawn. Neighbors and work colleagues have brought over so much food that their two refrigerators are completely full.

“The activities have been nonstop. I feel like I haven’t been able to turn around and have something not happening,” Matthew said. The daily schedule varies but is typically centered around huge group meals then rotating between the interactive video games, Rock Band and Wii Fit, doodling, knitting, Scrabble tournaments, singing, dancing and playing musical instruments.

Matthew’s father, Mark Starring, calls it “great chaos.” Mr. Starring likens the event to hosting a holiday celebration that somehow isn’t a stressful burden, “At Thanksgiving, it’s nice when it’s over and we can relax but I don’t feel that way right now. I just want this to continue. This is a welcome commotion. I love having everybody here and I don’t want it to stop.”

Matthew and his family have fought the disease courageously and now have chosen to retreat to a more therapeutic haven.

“It was definitely an interesting journey. Typical Matt fashion, Matt does nothing easily, he hasn’t since the day he was born. It’s just been an adventure,” said Matthew’s mother, Jayne Starring.

“Our strategy from here on out is to live everyday to the absolute fullest.”

Facing reality

Matthew’s body did not respond to latest round of chemotherapy and the risks of starting another round seemed to outweigh the benefits.

Chemo treatments knock down the immune system and with Matthew’s white blood cell counts recently as low as 200 — a healthy count would be 5,000 — his is too weak to receive treatment.

“They talked to us about quality of life verses quantity of life and we’re opting for the quality side,” Mrs. Starring said of the collective decision to stop treating Matthew’s leukemia.

Matthew’s fight took a turn for the worst in mid-October. He had just been released from the hospital after four weeks of receiving chemo treatment. Only a week after his discharge he was readmitted with pneumonia, a blood infection and a fever of 104.8.

Once the pneumonia and infection were under control, Jayne, Mark, and Allison were summoned to a meeting with Matthew, his nurse practitioner, Ilene Galinsky, and a social worker.

Ms. Galinsky said because of her special bond with the Starrings she knew it was her responsibility to be the person to facilitate the very serious discussion. “It was probably one of the hardest things, in my 20 years in this field, that I have had to do, but I felt that I needed to and wanted to be the one to sit with them and talk to them bout this.”

As she described the different options Matthew could proceed with, Ms. Galinsky felt that Matthew was almost seeking permission to end the battle. She decided to level with him: “Do you think that if you say ‘no’ to more chemo that somehow you have failed yourself or your family, that you are giving up?”

Matthew teared up and acknowledged that he did feel that way.

“Because that is the farthest thing from the truth. You are the most courageous person I have ever met and you’ve dealt with this horrible disease with grace and dignity,” Ms. Galinsky said. She added that at that moment she could see pure relief in Matthew’s face, as if something was lifted off of him.

Ms. Galinsky describes Matthew as one of her most memorable and unique patients, “from the very beginning his outlook, his intellect, his personality, his love for life, everything was just so contagious. I picked that up on the very first day and through the ups and downs. Sometimes I felt like he took care of me more than I took care of him.”

Even after recognizing that they had fought the disease with every tool in their medical arsenal, it was a painful yet clear decision to let the leukemia run its course, go home and be with family.

On the home front

“I’ve titled this our roller coaster ride, and it is definitely that. We’ve had so many ups and downs from Day 1,” Mrs. Starring said.

She continued to reflect on her amusement park analogy, a common theme in her e-mail blasts to friends and family, “our ups and downs are not going to be as dramatic any more. We’re coasting into the home front. The worst of the times are behind us. This is only good times from here on out.”

‘Mattsgiving’ is the new holiday season his family and friends have termed for this time period. They have already had a “Mattsgiving dinner” with rotisserie chickens and all of the fixings from the green bean casserole to the pumpkin and pecan pie.

“I feel good. I feel so good. With these people, with my family, with my other family out there, my friends that have become family, with the friends that have somehow always been family. It is Mattsgiving day, damn it.”

Laughter and music are prevalent throughout the house, but there are certainly moments when reality sets in. Some have more trouble “celebrating” than others.

“It’s been rough, but I want him to be where we wants to be when everything happens,” said Allison Starring, Matthew’s 16-year-old sister. “I’m just trying to go with the flow and stay positive for him.”

Matthew’s girlfriend of two years, Hannah DeRemer, has put off her graduation plans for this semester at Emerson College, taking a leave of absence to spend time with the Starrings. “I would be a useless student right now,” she said.

“It’s still a shock. It still doesn’t seem real to me. I don’t think it’s going to be real until it is.”

Hannah said she finds it difficult to keep her emotions under control but that having a balance of sensitive temperaments and calm, collected personalities makes is easier.

Many of the friends converging at the Starring home in support of Matthew are members or alumni of the a capella group he was involved in at Emerson College, Noteworthy. Many of the young talents in this crowd were friends with Matthew when he first became sick in 2007.

“I have felt the most intense happiness and the most intense sadness, confusion and frustration, varying all at once,” said Caitlin Reid. “He’s my best friend and I’m so devastated that this is happening, but I know him well enough to know that this is what he wants.”

“It’s been so real and so surreal at the same time. And it doesn’t seem like he’s that sick, he seems like Matt,” said Rita O’Connell, another close friend.

Day by day

Matthew has had leukemia lesions appearing on his skin since the spring, but they have become much more prominent, darker and larger in recent weeks.

He needs to be on an oxygen supply constantly because of the pneumonia. His feet are swollen to about three times their normal size. This is partly due to the steroids he is on but it is mostly a symptom of the large leukemia cells taking over his bloodstream and slowing down his circulation. As a result, Matthew tries to keep his feet elevated for some relief. He’s on about 30 different medications daily, including painkillers, antibiotics, antifungals, antivirals and vitamins.

His first couple days home were not easy. He was in and out of a deep sleep most of the time and unable to complete simple tasks. He would try to start a sentence and then slip off into subconsciousness.

Midday on Sunday, his second day home, Mrs. Starring gave him a cup of water. He kept trying to lift it to his mouth but he almost seemed to forget why he had the cup in the first place. When she tried to take the cup away to prevent a spill, he awoke and became frustrated. He broke down.

At another point that morning when he perked up for a few moments, Mrs. Starring got very close to Matthew’s face and said, “It’s so good to have you home.”

“It’s good to be home, damn it.” Matthew said, hugged her and then drifted off into a nap. The days following have been progressively more lively. New volumes of people fill the house every day.

The throngs of loved ones affect Matthew the most. He reflects on the atmosphere as a sort of religious experience, “God, for me, is the relationship that exists between ... me and Allison, me and my dad, me and Hannah and stuff. We all have an electricity about us. We all have some vibration that we give off. When you find someone that you click with, those are the people that your wavelengths really jive with and it’s harmonious. Whatever that is, whatever exists there, that vibration or hum or whatever you want to call it, that’s God to me. Having God surround me like this, in the way that I understand it,” he explained as his voice cracked “is unparalleled and it’s helped so much. It’s kind of pulled me out of that dark spot.”

One of the most common modes of communication at the Starring house these days is physical affection.

“Hugs. Everybody greets everybody with a hug,” said Mr. Starring. “When they leave it’s a hug not a handshake. It’s not just a hug, you’re done, you’re there for a couple seconds or several seconds.”

While there is a definite sense of immediacy in the air, it isn’t desperate or frantic, it feels natural and honest. Many friends and family members have dropped their jobs and commitments to spend time with Matthew.

Matthew prides himself on venturing into the unknown without any expectations.

“I’ve got no time frame ... days, weeks, months, who knows , hours, years. I think it’s a good thing. If I was counting days down, it would freak me out. I’d rather be open-ended, and that makes it more exciting, day-by-day. If I’m looking forward to it like a pregnancy, that day is gonna come, but I’m not dead yet,” he said with his immediate family at his sides laughing and crying.

“This is not something that you wish on anybody, and the only thing I can say is that as a family we’re pretty strong,” Mr. Starring said. “We’ve all accepted the fact of what’s going to happen.”

The Starring home is certainly not a typical house in grieving, but most would agree that they are not an average family and Matthew is certainly the biggest wild card. Their outlook is simple, full of love and overflowing strength. There are as many tears as there is giggling, and the joy drowns out as much sorrow as it can.

“Every day you just put one foot in front of the other, you do what you have to do and don’t think about what’s going to happen tomorrow, a week from now or a month,” Mrs. Starring said in tears. “You just do what you have to do that day and it’s never been a burden. It’s never been a burden. It’s just been my pleasure to have taken the trip, and I think we definitely, as a family, have done everything together.”

Matthew’s spirits and energy level continue to be good. There is evidence that he struggles somewhat to keep up with his friends — the majority are quick-witted actors and musicians. There have been a couple days that he has asked for space and time alone, but for most of the last week he has been happily surrounded by the people he loves. He will be the first to tell you he’d rather rally than lie down and wait.

“I think we’re all dying. I’ve done really, really amazing things with my life. I’ve traveled around the world. I’ve lived and I’ve loved. I’m a pretty talented guy, I guess I could say about myself. Just the fact that this many people have been constantly here all the time ... it feels good right here,” Matthew said, making a fist over his heart.

“I can tell I’ve made a difference in people’s lives. That’s the biggest feel-good ever.”

Editor's note: Matthew Starring passed away on Sunday, Nov. 8, at his home. A celebration of his life will be held Wednesday, Nov. 11 in the W. Raymond Watson Funeral Home, 350 Willett Ave., Riverside with calling hours from 4 to 8 p.m. A memorial service will be held on Thursday, Nov. 12 in St. John’s Episcopal Church, County Road, at 10:30 a.m. Burial will be held in Forest Chapel Cemetery, Nayatt Road.