Michelle Saunders plays a little one-on-one with Jeff Gore, 15, on her lunch break in Rumford recently. Michelle is a licensed foster "parent" to her brother, Jeff.

Sometimes Michelle Saunders has to be a mother to Jeff Gore, a lanky 15-year-old whose own mom died a decade ago in a car accident. Other times she acts more like his big sister.

Through it all, she understands where he's coming from because, well, she's been there herself.

The 33-year-old grew up in a foster home in Tiverton and is now returning the favor to someone else. Ms. Saunders is a licensed foster parent who cares for Jeff, the half-brother she didn't even know existed until she went searching for her roots several years ago.

It's an interesting and sometimes challenging dynamic, but Ms. Saunders said her own background makes her better equipped than most foster parents to deal with some of the issues Jeff faces.

"It's nature vs. nurture," said Ms. Saunders, who lives in Rumford with Jeff, her husband and two young daughters. "We do sometimes argue like we're siblings. But other times I have to be his mother. Sometimes he says, 'You're not my mom,' and I'm sensitive to than because his mom died.

"I understand attachment issues and lot of what he's feeling. Other times, I say 'Get over it.' Although I haven't been through all of the same things he's been through, I've been through some of it."

Most licensed foster caregivers are not related to the children placed in their home under the auspices of the state Department of Children, Youth & Families (DCYF), but not by a wide margin. According to the 2008 Fact Book published by Rhode Island Kids Count — an advocacy group that tracks the well-being of children — there were 3,042 children in the care of DCYF that were in out-of-home placement as of Dec. 31, 2007. Of those, 44 percent (702) were in relative foster homes.

"We're not seeing increases in the number of kids in the child welfare system," said Lisa Guillette, executive director of the Rhode Island Foster Parents Association (RIFPA). "But the overall trend is an increase of utilization of relatives as caregivers of children."

She said the East Providence-based RIFPA, which serves as a liaison to DCYF and foster parents, would like to see even more relative foster parents.

"When you can find fit and willing relatives, you are reducing the disruption of placement in the child welfare system," said Ms. Guillette, explaining that these children tend to stay longer in the same home and perform better academically and socially when they have a consistent caregiver.

"Kids do much better when they're with family," she said.

However, with more foster parents caring for their siblings, nieces or grandchildren comes the need to support relative caregivers who face their own unique challenges, said Ms. Guillette.

"Increasingly we're seeing grandparents who are younger and younger. When they need help, a lot of people would say, 'Have you called AARP or the Department of Elderly Affairs?' But there are (grandparents) in their 40s and 50s (who are foster parents)," she said.

That's because a growing number of young adults are unable to raise their own children due to crisis situations involving drugs, incarceration, teen pregnancy, poverty or other factors.

Madeline Lopes of Riverside was once a foster parent to two of her grandchildren and currently provides foster care to children out of her bloodline. She can tell you which task is more difficult.

"I think relative foster care is the hardest to do," said Mrs. Lopes, who from 1994 to 1997 cared for two of her brother's and wife's children because the couple got "heavy into drugs and neglect."

Her concerns had more to do with personal safety than anything else. "Being a relative foster parent, they know where you are, where you shop," said Mrs. Lopes, 58. "They can harass you any time. There were lot of sleepless nights and I was afraid they'd come over and ambush me. (Relative foster parents) are at the mercy of family members."

Fighting public opinion

Public perception is another issue relative foster parents often have to face. When someone becomes a caregiver to a grandson or granddaughter due to a crisis situation, a common sentiment is that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree," said Ms. Guillette. "Why would we let these grandparents take care of these children? There seems to be a public stigma."

Often times, the relative foster parent questions his or her own parenting abilities. "They're saddled with the guilt of, 'What did I do wrong — raising my own children and then find myself in this situation?'"

Mrs. Lopes's two grandchildren ended up going back with their biological mom after she "got clean," she said, but that was only the beginning of her life as a foster parent. Her husband and others in the foster care program talked her into caring for more children.

She's done that, and then some. Already with four adult children and six grandchildren of her own, Mrs. Lopes has adopted three more kids through foster care and is a foster parent to two others. "I've gotten most of my children right from birth, right from the hospital," said Mrs. Lopes.

One of them is 8-year-old Issiah, who has autism and a mild form of retardation. "His mother just walked out of the hospital and never returned for him. He died three times due to a lack of oxygen," said Mrs. Lopes, pointing out that his biological mother abused alcohol, cocaine and crack.

Raising Issiah, of course, is a challenge in itself. "Some days I don't feel rewarded, but other days I know that I've helped him. You have to have a lot of patience, and sometimes my patience runs out of the front door. But I know to ask for help," said Mrs. Lopes, who turns to the Groden Center, Cedar Solutions, East Bay Center and RIFPA whenever she needs advice and comfort.

Another big helper is her oldest adopted child, 10-year-old Thomas. "That kids helps me. He said he'll do everything but change diapers. He should be big brother of the year," said Mrs. Lopes.

The other children in her care are Bella, whom she adopted along with Thomas and Issiah, and two foster children: Rayona and Theo. Bella is almost 5, Rayona is 2 and Theo is just shy of his first birthday.

"It's quite a range, but it's not bad. Usually by 8 p.m. it's quiet — they're asleep," said Mrs. Lopes with a laugh. "This is a crazy house, but we all interact."

Rescuing Jeff

Ms. Saunders, whose biological father is black and her biological mother Italian, was a foster child before being adopted by a white family at the age of 10.

Three of her sisters lived in the foster home in Tiverton at one point, but she also knew she had some other siblings from her father's side. Her biological parents had never married and her father had more children with a woman who was later killed in a car accident, she had learned from a sibling.

She did a Google search on her father's name — Michael Gore — and came up with a Providence Journal article about an AAU basketball coach with a son at St. Andrew's School in Barrington. Ms. Saunders had a hard time believing it was her biological dad, "knowing what I knew about my father."

Indeed, it wasn't her father she had found but a younger half-brother, Michael Gore. The story was about how the coach, Ray Cross, had invited Michael to live with him and his son after learning that his aunt was thinking about making Michael a ward of the state.

After setting up a meeting with Mr. Cross, "Mike introduced me to Jeff," she said. That was three years ago, when Mike was 18 and Jeff was 12. Mike also had a 14-year-old sister, Kristie, who was well taken care of in a Bristol foster home.

Unlike his siblings, however, Jeff wasn't as well off. In fact, his situation was dire. He was in a bad neighborhood in Providence, living with a foster family that didn't seem to care for him.

Jeff lived on the second floor of a two-family house with two foster brothers. It was hot, with a filthy bathroom and a pit bull that made messed everywhere. There were bars on Jeff's window, which prevented him from going out for food on nights he didn't get enough to eat. His clothes were always dirty and too small.

"His quarters weren't clean. It was absolutely disgusting. It wasn't a home," said Ms. Saunders. "He was doing horribly in school."

Determined to get her half-brother out of there, her family — husband Marc and young daughters Ava and Gabrielle — moved from Boston and bought a home in Rumford. Jeff jumped at the chance to start a life with his new family.

Although she formed an "immediate bond" with Michael, Ms. Saunders acknowledged that it took a little time to connect with Jeff. "He was a little goofy ... but I grew to love him," she said.

Although she was a blood relative, Jeff was still somewhat of a stranger, so Ms. Saunders needed some guidance early on when she didn't understand his mood swings. She recalled that several months after taking Jeff in, "he started going crazy once." Ms. Saunders didn't know what to do, so she asked a RIFPA mentor.

"She told me it was because it was around the time of his birthday. Foster kids have a hard time around their birthdays," she said.

Like all licensed foster parents, Ms. Saunders and her husband receive a stipend from the state. This is a sore point for some people, according to Ms. Guillette. "Some would say, 'Why are we paying a family to take care of their children?' But when you look at the number of kids in out-of-home care, especially with the state budget deficit we're in, when a state has to pull a kid out of a home because of abuse or neglect ... the least expensive option to taxpayers is foster home care."

Besides, she said, foster parents aren't getting rich. They receive $14.39 per day for infants up to age 3, $13.64 for kids ages 4 to 11 and $15.79 for ages 12 and older, she said. "People pay more for keeping a dog in a kennel. Can you imagine taking care of a teenager for $15.79 a day?" Ms. Guillette said.

"That's how we know Jeff has everything he needs," said Ms. Saunders said of the reimbursement, adding that the money goes toward his tuition at Saint Raphael Academy in Pawtucket.

Although Jeff sometimes still struggles school because "he's too brilliant for his own good," according to Ms. Saunders, he knows he's in a much better place now than he was three years ago. In a school paper entitled, "My Memorable Experience," Jeff said it was fate that landed him with his half-sister and her family.

"I think this (was) meant to be," Jeff wrote. "And even though I've went through some hard times, I always look at it like this: What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger, and I haven't been killed yet, so I'm only getting stronger."

By Jim McGaw

jmcgaw@eastbaynewspapers.com