To the editor:
In his August 21 editorial, your editor suggests that it’s high time to ban those unhealthy cigarettes from public (outdoor) beaches. From hazardous smoke to the germs literally crawling all over cast-off butts, they’re just repulsive. So maybe the time is right for his idea.
But his editorial got my mind busy, and upon further contemplation, I thought, “Why stop there?” If it’s possible to ban people from consuming a legal substance (even if it is annoying) in God’s great outdoors, then perhaps it’s time to take some truly Bloombergian steps, such as banning supersized sugary soft drinks from the beach. Who wants to look at those ugly big guzzle cups, especially once they’re uncovered and start to fill up with drowning bees? Any word from PETA on that? I was traumatized as a child watching bees drown in half-full clear bottles of Fanta orange soda at the beach, which is why I cannot even look at a honeycomb sandwich today.
What about banning trans-fats as well? Create a new summer Nanny job – Beach Lunch Patrol. Throw anyone off the beach that smokes, drinks sugary supersized soft drinks, or brings a lunch basket containing anything besides arugula and couscous. And how about these greased-up people lying about, rank with the odor of roasting copra? What’s worse, people sucking on lung rockets and smelling like ash trays or just walking around stinking like big naked coconuts?
Now since we’re talking about butts, we might as well ban the other oversized kind too, for example, banning women who don’t share the body mass index (BMI) of anorexic Angelina Jolie, or guys who have a higher BMI than the late Don Knotts. At that point you won’t have to ban the smokers, because practically no one will be allowed at the beach anyway.
My point is that once you start this short-sighted PC idiocy there is no telling where it will end. Our esteemed Mr. editor is on the wrong side. He should instead be defending the few liberties left to his fellow citizens already overburdened with insane intrusive regulations and petty strictures, taxes, fines, insane water bills, and who are beset by thieves (both ordinary and duly elected) and busybodies.