IN BRISTOL, July 2, 2014.
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one nation to throw itself, annually, a raucous birthday celebration, and to assume that among the people that live within its borders, all celebrate this country’s unique station to which it is entitled, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires us all to recall the reasons for its greatness and the sacrifices of others which led us to this time and place.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all July 4th feasts are created equal, be they chourico and peppers, stuffed quahogs, or grilled burgers; that they are endowed by their creators with certain unalienable deliciousness, that we would not be enjoying them if not for those who valued life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness above all else. That to secure the celebration of these rights, provisions must be amassed, cases of beer secured, deriving their just frostiness from repeated trips to Warren for 20 pound bags of Glacier Ice. That whenever any cooler the size of a subcompact car becomes overrun with the spiderwebs of 10 months of hibernation, it is the right of the husband to power wash it, and to fill it, as to most likely effect the happiness and hydration of the guests.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that care is taken when igniting festive explosives, all experience hath shewn, that mankind is disposed to suffer when thumbs are blown off by errant fireworks. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations of this holiday ensue, it is our right, it is our duty, to remember the reasons why we celebrate and the men and women who sacrificed to make it so, and to provide new guards for the future security of their memory. Such is now the necessity which constrains the author of this abomination to implore all who read this to read the true “unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America” which can be found at www.archives.gov; and give thanks to the brilliant architects of this great document, and this great nation, on this, its 238th birthday.