Police received a call about a man in a Patriots T-shirt panhandling on Child Street. No word on whether he was collecting for Tom Brady’s new contract.
Police got a call that someone was throwing things (unidentified things) at pedestrians on Main Street.
Fire crews were called to a Main Street address at 11:25 p.m. for a “cookie mishap.”
A Market Street woman told police that a man was in her shed. He was smoking, she noted.
Police reported a loose cow on Birch Swamp Road. Whether it had just gotten loose, or was of questionable moral character, was not specifically noted in the log.
A squirrel found itself trapped in a Metacom Avenue dumpster, but Animal Control Officer Heidi Garrity saved the day after getting the call around 11:23 a.m. “There were three guys sitting there, and they didn’t want to touch it,” she said. “One of them said, ‘I’m not going near it, it looks sick!’ I said, ‘It’s got trash on its face. What do you want?’” Officer Garrity moved a cardboard box next to the animal and it ran out and away, no worse for wear.
Yellow and black Mustangs were reported racing south on Metacom Avenue. Police didn’t specify whether they were of the internal combustion or equine variety.
What’s colder than an extra large slush on a hot summer day? The turf war going down between Palagis Ice Cream and Del’s Lemonade. Police have been called twice this past week — once by Del’s driver Roxanne Orien, once by Palagis driver Duncan O’Brien — with each accusing the other of selling frozen treats without the proper town approval. One of the arguments between the two got so heated that “it scared the customers,” Warren Police Lt. Roy Borges said.
The makings of a small petting zoo got loose from their enclosures and meandered into Barton Avenue. Police noted several cows, a bull and two horses.
Follow along if you dare: Dispatch logs state that a woman came in to police headquarters “to speak with officer regarding a male inquiring about her ex-husband’s wife at her residence with caller’s personal info. Female states she did not get an info about male.”
A bird in the bush beat one in the hand, when the animal control officer was called to Union Street for an injured bird. She determined that it wasn’t injured and put it back in the bush from whence it came.
Someone called police to report spotting a broom in the middle of Metacom Avenue. Police did a sweep of the area and removed the broom.
We can’t make this stuff up: A pony defecated inside Patriot Liquors.
(Then, a week after the pony incident …)
A Wood Street resident called police after spotting his neighbor’s dog defecating on his driveway. No word on whether it was a “copycat” crime committed following the infamous Patriot Liquors pony poop case.
A man who loaned $2 to a friend called the police to complain after the man failed to repay him. With apologies to “Better Off Dead,” he was not a paperboy on a bike.
Someone from Lyndon Street complained about a “sailboat parked on street.” No word on whether the tide was extraordinarily high that day.
First world problem: A man on a bike was trying to find a good wifi signal for his cell phone, so he rode his bike out behind a Main Street business where there was a good signal. A delivery driver who worked there didn’t know what he was up to, and called police.
Rescue crews went to the end of Maple Road to help an unfortunate angler who hooked not a fish, but a foot (his).
Someone complained that a man walking down Metacom Avenue may have been “grabbing at his crotch area.” Police checked it out and found no problem. Explanation: “Male was walking to Job Lot.”
A Touisset Road resident called police after spotting a raccoon in the house. The animal control officer was able to get the animal back outside with no problem. Switching species, police were also called to a Metacom Avennue business to help with the dispersal of an unwanted employee. That too went smoothly.
Police got a call about a cat on a Cutler Street roof. It was a hot day, but there was no word on whether the roof was tin. In any case, the owner said he’d get the animal down.
A “fowl” smell was reported coming from a dumpster on Church Street. No word if the smell was of the avian variety, smelled bad, or both.
Police were called to Main Street for an “issue regarding a pie.” Sadly there was no elaboration on the log.
You can pretty much figure out how this call went. Police received word at 4:48 p.m. that a runaway cat was stuck under a car on Market Street. At 5:42 p.m.., after officers arrived, another call was placed: This time requesting rescue for an animal bite.
Police got a call about a possibly injured wild turkey on Parker Avenue. The animal control officer checked it out and found no evidence of fowl play.
A caller reported “subjects in a red vehicle going through trash cans. “ No word on the number of smashed cans that resulted, if any.
Legions of ghouls, zombies, goblins and, perhaps even more terrifying — Miley Cyrus clones — were spotted wandering around town Thursday night, looking for candy.
Police got a call from Sanders Street about “parties arguing.” Doesn’t sound like much of a party.
Keep your rooms clean, kids. Police were called to Water Street at 5:17 p.m. by a woman concerned that her 12-year-old daughter had assaulted her 54-year-old grandmother. Police found there was no problem, and no assault; the grandmother only tripped over a toy left out in the girl’s room.
What’s worse than a giant pile of manure? One that combusts spontaneously, as one did at a Touisset Road home. Fire crews were called to put it out at 1:59 p.m.
Police responded to Fatima Drive for a “party soliciting meats.” No word on whether it was noted Warren artist W.S.
A hapless angler off the East Bay Bike Path hooked a thumbfish.
Police got a report of a white rabbit loose on Child Street. No word if Grace Slick called it in. Or Jimmy Carter.
Police reported that a man on Union Street was severed with papers. Bad paper cut or typo? You decide.
Editor’s note: As we head into the New Year, let’s take a minute to give the Warren Police Department credit for the year’s service. Police work is not an easy job and, while we make light of some of the things they have to deal with, they’re always there when we need them, and work very hard. Happy New Year!